Day 10/11
Where is the pleasure? Pursue pleasure. When in doubt, smile.
Towards the end of this process I started to feel stressed. Felt that time was running through my fingers while I was busy doubting myself and what I had created so far. 11 days is a very short time to create a piece – however short you try to make it. It still includes a lot of work in many directions. There really is no time to stop and take a brake, to indulge in self-doubt. But as I am human, self-doubt comes when it comes. Luckily I am used to this, working as a dancer and also sometimes as a choreographer, the famous last two stressful weeks before a premiere where self-doubt and insecurity comes to visit. Only this time the stressful two last weeks became the stressful and insecure last couple of days.
I have been trying to write the letters to the team and at the same time trying to figure out how to write them. Trying to imagine things from their point of view, trying to figure out what they need. Hoping that I am not forgetting or leaving out any crucial information. And at the same time trying to leave some freedom for them, some freedom inside the frames I have created for them. Freedom for them to feel pleasure while working, freedom from unnecessary stress that will blur their vision. I strongly believe that great things happen when you manage to feel freedom and pleasure. Not by pushing and forcing. This might be the greatest difficulty that I had to face during this process; how to communicate a base of freedom and pleasure to the team without being there with them.
Today I am trying to accept my stress and self-doubt. I am trying to find back the liberating feeling of pleasure. It’s just a stupid dance. It’s a play. It’s a game. And this is what I like doing.
I only have one day left of work. With newfound pleasure and acceptance I will now finish the letters and tie together some loose ends. I accept that whatever is left undone when my 11 days come to an end, so be it. I will not strive to be perfect. As a matter of fact I have great trust in the rest of the team, they will figure it out.
− Linda